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4 August
Ten headlines from aol.co.uk's home-page
Text : Sexism, pinkification and our daughters
Sub-text : Ostensibly, we're taking this seriously, but really...
Text : Revealed : World's silliest hotel request
Sub-text : (1) Yes, there is none sillier, and (2) We know this, because we're AOL®, Fount of All Wisdom !
Text : Elle Macpherson 'marries billionaire'
Sub-text : We've got you guessing with those idiot quotation-marks, haven't we... ?
Text : Cringiest ever celebrity music videos
Sub-text : A numbered list made intriguing by a grotesque contortion of the language
Text : Carla shows off incredible bikini body
Sub-text : My blog (link above) tells you all that you need to know...
Text : The people who affect house prices
Sub-text : We're not going to tell you any more than you already know**
Text : Baby Cambridge's top 10 play dates
Sub-text : Not that you have any idea who these people and their kids are, but You need to know !
Text : Annoying telephone customer services
Sub-text : We want you to interpret it as how to do a Henry Root on call-centres
Text : Revealed: World's silliest hotel request
Sub-text : I just put that in twice to see whether you were 'keeping up', but, whilst you're here : In my headline, quoted also from AOL®, Mary Beard is made to appear to be the subject, not the (indirect) object...
Text : PC maintenance could save you cash
Sub-text : It 'could', but will it ? Just AOL® promoting itself by trying to attack your pocket mentally ?
End-notes
* Not that there was anything wrong with synonyms such as received, got, had.
** In a numbered list, of course - with sarky comments.
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Unless stated otherwise, all films reviewed were screened at Festival Central (Arts Picturehouse, Cambridge)
Showing posts with label AOL®. Show all posts
Showing posts with label AOL®. Show all posts
Sunday, 4 August 2013
Thursday, 25 April 2013
Kelly Brook's ex hit by doube-decker (according to AOL®)
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25 April
At any rate, the hedline (sic) talks of a doube-decker.
Knowing that a deck denotes part of the equipment of the likes of DJ Skunk, I dare not assume that this is a merror (a portmanteau word*, comprising 'error' and 'mere'), but guess that doube might denote :
* That 'whole dub thing'
* A Routemaster smeared with melted cheese and barbeque sauce
* A bi-plane flown by a dove**
* A love-track sung by Kelly, which went straight to this former partner's heart
Yes, I am too lazy to read 'the actual' story, or rather, me and my doube, we're havin' too much craic... !
Postscript : 26 April
And to-day AOL® excels itself :
Woman defiant against bag theif [sic]
End-notes
* Thank you, Lewis Carroll !
** German Taub.
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25 April
At any rate, the hedline (sic) talks of a doube-decker.
Knowing that a deck denotes part of the equipment of the likes of DJ Skunk, I dare not assume that this is a merror (a portmanteau word*, comprising 'error' and 'mere'), but guess that doube might denote :
* That 'whole dub thing'
* A Routemaster smeared with melted cheese and barbeque sauce
* A bi-plane flown by a dove**
* A love-track sung by Kelly, which went straight to this former partner's heart
Yes, I am too lazy to read 'the actual' story, or rather, me and my doube, we're havin' too much craic... !
Postscript : 26 April
And to-day AOL® excels itself :
Woman defiant against bag theif [sic]
End-notes
* Thank you, Lewis Carroll !
** German Taub.
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Tuesday, 23 April 2013
Video: Woman shocked to see tiger in public toilet (according to AOL®)
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23 April
Of course, a tiger in the petrol-station, or in the woman's bedroom, would have been unremarkable*.
After all, Esso still seems to like tigers (though, I am quick to say, I do not have any idea what it does to forestall their extinction - nearly said 'secure', but that was just a confusion of seeking and stopping), and many a home has a Tigger, either a fluffy version, or built into a photograph-frame.
As for this toilet tiger, it couldn't have been a bothersome sort, because there is no claim that the woman was hurt ('mauled' is the preferred term), but just that she was shocked by seeing it. Perhaps she was under the faulty impression that they are extinct...
Mean of someone, then, to go and proof her wrong by attracting it inside the WC, but you know what these activists are like !
End-notes
* Oh, the perils of what T. S. Eliot (to be specific) liked, I think, to call specificity !
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23 April
Of course, a tiger in the petrol-station, or in the woman's bedroom, would have been unremarkable*.
After all, Esso still seems to like tigers (though, I am quick to say, I do not have any idea what it does to forestall their extinction - nearly said 'secure', but that was just a confusion of seeking and stopping), and many a home has a Tigger, either a fluffy version, or built into a photograph-frame.
As for this toilet tiger, it couldn't have been a bothersome sort, because there is no claim that the woman was hurt ('mauled' is the preferred term), but just that she was shocked by seeing it. Perhaps she was under the faulty impression that they are extinct...
Mean of someone, then, to go and proof her wrong by attracting it inside the WC, but you know what these activists are like !
End-notes
* Oh, the perils of what T. S. Eliot (to be specific) liked, I think, to call specificity !
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Tuesday, 22 January 2013
The sexiest man on the planet - revealed
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22 January
Yes, we all know that it's AOL® having fun with some crap...
However
(1) If he is the sexiest, then - unless he's a hermit (if so, he might not want to be called the sexiest man on the planet) - we all know who he is
(2) And we all know that he will be white, muscular, in his early or mid-twenties, rather than the countless billions who do not match that description (on one or more counts)
(3) Can I even be bothered to find out who it's said to be... ?
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22 January
Yes, we all know that it's AOL® having fun with some crap...
However
(1) If he is the sexiest, then - unless he's a hermit (if so, he might not want to be called the sexiest man on the planet) - we all know who he is
(2) And we all know that he will be white, muscular, in his early or mid-twenties, rather than the countless billions who do not match that description (on one or more counts)
(3) Can I even be bothered to find out who it's said to be... ?
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Wednesday, 16 January 2013
Video: Myleene Klass hits the beach in bikini (according to AOL®)
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16 January
Almost as stupid as stating Customers shocked with horse meat ! Would we expect delighted with horse meat ?!
And, with this...
Which is worth the 1,000 words, since there is patently water (or might it be a swimming-pool), and patently bikini-wearing going on.
OK, we might not clock that it is MK, but what's this rubbish about hit[ting] the beach', and don't many women wear bikinis (one at a time) on the beach ?
QED
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16 January
Almost as stupid as stating Customers shocked with horse meat ! Would we expect delighted with horse meat ?!
And, with this...
Which is worth the 1,000 words, since there is patently water (or might it be a swimming-pool), and patently bikini-wearing going on.
OK, we might not clock that it is MK, but what's this rubbish about hit[ting] the beach', and don't many women wear bikinis (one at a time) on the beach ?
QED
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Tuesday, 20 November 2012
Video: Courteney Cox is bikini fabulous at 48 (according to AOL®)
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20 November
Do we, at last, see some variation in this twaddle about '[insert woman's name]'s bikini body' ?
Not what (semi-mockingly, as I recall) Fowler - in Modern English Usage (or was it The King's English?) - called elegant variation (because we might have our own go at something that actually works now...), but variation nonetheless :
* Fabulous in bikini - Courteney Cox at 48
* 48 years of Courteney Cox, and still fabulous in a bikini
* That bikini looks fabulous worn by 48-year-old Courteney Cox
etc., etc.
PS Other than Kinnock stumbling at the seaside, or Daniel Craig on the beach when he first became Bond, what other men at the seashore have been given any significant report and images circulated and perpetuated...?
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20 November
Do we, at last, see some variation in this twaddle about '[insert woman's name]'s bikini body' ?
Not what (semi-mockingly, as I recall) Fowler - in Modern English Usage (or was it The King's English?) - called elegant variation (because we might have our own go at something that actually works now...), but variation nonetheless :
* Fabulous in bikini - Courteney Cox at 48
* 48 years of Courteney Cox, and still fabulous in a bikini
* That bikini looks fabulous worn by 48-year-old Courteney Cox
etc., etc.
PS Other than Kinnock stumbling at the seaside, or Daniel Craig on the beach when he first became Bond, what other men at the seashore have been given any significant report and images circulated and perpetuated...?
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Monday, 15 October 2012
Video: Has Russell Crowe called time on marriage? (according to AOL®)
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15 October
If some actor doesn't want to get married (again), do I care? It's only what he says.
If, though, he is revealing hiself as a Supreme Being, declaring that no one, anywhere, can now get married, then maybe I'm interested - I might even watch the video-clip of this Great Astronaut of the Universe...
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15 October
If some actor doesn't want to get married (again), do I care? It's only what he says.
If, though, he is revealing hiself as a Supreme Being, declaring that no one, anywhere, can now get married, then maybe I'm interested - I might even watch the video-clip of this Great Astronaut of the Universe...
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Thursday, 11 October 2012
Brad Pitt wants to play a scouser (according to AOL®)
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11 October
If it's a classic Mark Twain (although such things as the Feast of Fools and the framing device of The Taming of the Shrew foreshadow him), then the scouser chosen should have the chance to be Pitt in return.
Whatever happens, I think that Pitt should be under Terene Davies' direction as to how he can play what he apparently wants to be - either that, or thator Alexei Sayle.
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11 October
If it's a classic Mark Twain (although such things as the Feast of Fools and the framing device of The Taming of the Shrew foreshadow him), then the scouser chosen should have the chance to be Pitt in return.
Whatever happens, I think that Pitt should be under Terene Davies' direction as to how he can play what he apparently wants to be - either that, or thator Alexei Sayle.
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Thursday, 4 October 2012
Brad and Angelina consider changing names (according to AOL®)
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4 October
That's just a bit silly, isn't it?
So we have to contemplate calling him Angelina, Angelina Pitt, whereas she comes Brad, Brad Jolie...
About as crazy as Fairbanks and Pickford calling their place Pickfair!
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4 October
That's just a bit silly, isn't it?
So we have to contemplate calling him Angelina, Angelina Pitt, whereas she comes Brad, Brad Jolie...
About as crazy as Fairbanks and Pickford calling their place Pickfair!
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Saturday, 15 September 2012
Video: Cat survives trip to Disney in airline luggage (according to AOL®)
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15 September
Well, cats might be discerning, and would prefer the Methuen Winnie-the-Pooh to the Disney one any day, but why would they be so traumatized by Walt's Wonderful World that they did not even survive a trip there?
Piglet, in contrast, would probably have pigged out on haycorns through sheer terror, and done his poor little piggy ticker no good into the bargain with hyper-anxiety.
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15 September
Well, cats might be discerning, and would prefer the Methuen Winnie-the-Pooh to the Disney one any day, but why would they be so traumatized by Walt's Wonderful World that they did not even survive a trip there?
Piglet, in contrast, would probably have pigged out on haycorns through sheer terror, and done his poor little piggy ticker no good into the bargain with hyper-anxiety.
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Wednesday, 12 September 2012
Popular postings this week (no, not 'trending')
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12 September
This is just a list of page-views (with hyperlinks and kinky boots), OK?
5th = All on one day (13)
4th = Wilfredo gyrates in his Y-fronts - expanded view (20)
3rd = Kristin shows her comedic flair (26)
2nd = The patterns of Samsara (26)
1st = How do you weigh 16,000 animals? Has AOL® done a Freudian? (48)
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12 September
This is just a list of page-views (with hyperlinks and kinky boots), OK?
5th = All on one day (13)
4th = Wilfredo gyrates in his Y-fronts - expanded view (20)
3rd = Kristin shows her comedic flair (26)
2nd = The patterns of Samsara (26)
1st = How do you weigh 16,000 animals? Has AOL® done a Freudian? (48)
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Video: Could Victoria Beckham be pregnant? (according to AOL®)
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12 September 2012
The answer, without looking at the video, self-evidently is Yes :
* VB is not known to have done anything to affect her fertility, and
* Nor is she, whatever the age is now, beyond child-bearing age
So why look at a video of someone who - like any other mother sharing those characteristics - could be pregnant
Sooner hear a determination as to whether, at any point, she could sing sweetly...
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12 September 2012
The answer, without looking at the video, self-evidently is Yes :
* VB is not known to have done anything to affect her fertility, and
* Nor is she, whatever the age is now, beyond child-bearing age
So why look at a video of someone who - like any other mother sharing those characteristics - could be pregnant
Sooner hear a determination as to whether, at any point, she could sing sweetly...
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Thursday, 23 August 2012
How do you weigh 16,000 animals? Has AOL® done a Freudian*?
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23 August
It's easy to get a meetkat on to the scales[...]
Meetkat**? So they're not these cute animals with the comedy voices, then? - they're a source of food!
Good, eat the lot of 'em!
End-notes
* Or, as I first typed, Has AOL® 'done a Fruedian'?
** I am not convinced, either, that AOL is spared by the entry in the so-called
urban dictionary...
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23 August
It's easy to get a meetkat on to the scales[...]
Meetkat**? So they're not these cute animals with the comedy voices, then? - they're a source of food!
Good, eat the lot of 'em!
End-notes
* Or, as I first typed, Has AOL® 'done a Fruedian'?
** I am not convinced, either, that AOL is spared by the entry in the so-called
urban dictionary...
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Tuesday, 7 August 2012
Madonna works tight knee-high boots (according to AOL®)
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8 August
So is it G4S Games absconders who write this stuff?
Is there no sense that, whatever people nowadays might really mean (if they stopped to ask) by some model or starlet working whatever clothing it may be, working something tight (or loose) means something, too?
Or why the hell do I despair at the typical knowledge-base of a human being?
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8 August
So is it G4S Games absconders who write this stuff?
Is there no sense that, whatever people nowadays might really mean (if they stopped to ask) by some model or starlet working whatever clothing it may be, working something tight (or loose) means something, too?
Or why the hell do I despair at the typical knowledge-base of a human being?
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Thursday, 2 August 2012
Big bloody news: King Juan Carlos of Spain trips over (according to AOL®)
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2 August
No doubt there's an awkward piece of footage, showing the royal foot stumbling over something - do we think that it was the right one, or the left?
And did Juan Carlos - just in case we don't know where he is king of (as I am not aware of any other king so named), we have to be told - just trip, or did he actually stumble and end up on the floor, crying Shit!?
And is it better or worse than when the poor blighter sneezed yesterday, maybe three times in succession? And, if so, better or worse than when Beckham (unofficial King of Span) tripped over in 2007...?
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2 August
No doubt there's an awkward piece of footage, showing the royal foot stumbling over something - do we think that it was the right one, or the left?
And did Juan Carlos - just in case we don't know where he is king of (as I am not aware of any other king so named), we have to be told - just trip, or did he actually stumble and end up on the floor, crying Shit!?
And is it better or worse than when the poor blighter sneezed yesterday, maybe three times in succession? And, if so, better or worse than when Beckham (unofficial King of Span) tripped over in 2007...?
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Saturday, 28 July 2012
Explore the natural beauty of Caledonia (according to AOL®)
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28 July
What is this? Bloody cornering the market in a fanciful form of what Fowler dubbed Elegant Variation?
Just so that you can refer to it as Scotland below?
And why not Hibernia, whilst you're at it?!
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28 July
What is this? Bloody cornering the market in a fanciful form of what Fowler dubbed Elegant Variation?
Just so that you can refer to it as Scotland below?
And why not Hibernia, whilst you're at it?!
@TheAgentApsley
Wednesday, 25 July 2012
Horrified tourists watch as man falls from sixth floor of Tate Modern (according to AOL®)
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25 July
So how many things make this reporting imbecilic?
OK, factually it was at Tate Modern, but :
* Was it only tourists who watched (others assumed it to be just a happening, and ignored it)?
* And it was a special sub-set of the tourists, the ones who were alread horrified, who watched?
* Did the choice of floor have some effect on them, or was it just the falling?
* Everyone else (all the other tourists) watched the man fall from a different floor - or, somehow knowing that it had been the sixth, were uncomprehending about the choice of floor
Better stop there...
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25 July
So how many things make this reporting imbecilic?
OK, factually it was at Tate Modern, but :
* Was it only tourists who watched (others assumed it to be just a happening, and ignored it)?
* And it was a special sub-set of the tourists, the ones who were alread horrified, who watched?
* Did the choice of floor have some effect on them, or was it just the falling?
* Everyone else (all the other tourists) watched the man fall from a different floor - or, somehow knowing that it had been the sixth, were uncomprehending about the choice of floor
Better stop there...
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Saturday, 21 July 2012
Russell Brand Jokes About His Sex Life With Ex-Wife Katy Perry (according to AOL®)
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21 July
I looked at the headline, and thought - until I remembered that this was Russell Brand - that I wanted to hear what this really witty guy had to say about his ex-wife.
Sorry, I must have blinked and so missed the joke. (I had been drinking, y'r'onour.) As this was a report of a radio broadcast, it might have been 'nice' - rights issues permitting - to hear what Brand said, rather than reading it described. (That said, the photo of him with a semi-transparent top left me wanting to know less, not more.)
As I try to be Celebrity Deaf, I have no idea what the wheelchair references meant, but I simply found myself thinking which, visually, was more of a catch, Katy for Russell, or vice versa: just look out that one with the top, if you need to, to answer the question. A story about nothing, but I should have guessed...
And as for that 'film' Take Me - I'm a Geek, that really says it all, doesn't it?
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21 July
I looked at the headline, and thought - until I remembered that this was Russell Brand - that I wanted to hear what this really witty guy had to say about his ex-wife.
Sorry, I must have blinked and so missed the joke. (I had been drinking, y'r'onour.) As this was a report of a radio broadcast, it might have been 'nice' - rights issues permitting - to hear what Brand said, rather than reading it described. (That said, the photo of him with a semi-transparent top left me wanting to know less, not more.)
As I try to be Celebrity Deaf, I have no idea what the wheelchair references meant, but I simply found myself thinking which, visually, was more of a catch, Katy for Russell, or vice versa: just look out that one with the top, if you need to, to answer the question. A story about nothing, but I should have guessed...
And as for that 'film' Take Me - I'm a Geek, that really says it all, doesn't it?
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Friday, 20 July 2012
Spice Girls to reform for Olympics (according to AOL®)
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20 July
Some people don't realize that one can distinguish between verbs - with a hyphen.
Or maybe they did mean reform...?
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20 July
Some people don't realize that one can distinguish between verbs - with a hyphen.
Or maybe they did mean reform...?
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Tuesday, 15 May 2012
Kym Marsh rocks skimpy LBD (according to AOL®)
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15 May
It is possible, though I doubt it (it is the whole point of this postlet), that LBD is a recognized term of art in these tinsel teasers on sign-on pages. (Remember the one, a few issues back, that reported Lorraine Kelly tumbling from her horse, whereas a newspaper had reported the story at least a fortnight earlier - not so much breaking news as breaking new ground for peddling old tat!)
For those not initiated (right trouser leg rolled up, etc.), I shall not spell it out*, though I was probably helped - when appeared words appeared to be missing in the headline - by the image below, because that would spoil the Fun of Who Is In The Know, i.e. who is manipulated into using some stupid expression or contraction, but merely continue with my would-be contentious proposition:
Is this a WAG** in the making, or an MCD (to refer gratuitously, for the sake of cross-pollination, to Pork and beef on the same plate) - what some might call a defining moment, when that unhelpful term is contracted to its initials?
Although many acronyms (and some contractions) are no easier to say than the original text, are we heading for A Contracting Universe (ACU)?:
With LSL, she skipped down the catwalk in an LBD, courtesy of NBC, and, after a VAC, went home for a NLS
End-notes
* Though 'skimpy' is already part and parcel of the 'L' of LBD. More asutute readers may surmise, then, that it does not represent London Bomb Disposal, Lesotho Bisexual Dilettantes, or Liverpool Ballroom-Dancing.
** An amazing acronym, not only because the words 'and' merits a letter of its own (after all, it was WMD, not WOMD (which might have been mistaken for WOMB, I guess)), but also two categories of women in a relationship (with a man) are brusquely yanked together!
In fact, though celebrities are not, of course, unfaithful or promiscuous, X's WAG could also be (in the other capacity) Y's WAG - KK, for example, is shown dating other men when, as far as I am aware, the man whom she married, and who alleged just weeks after that she had not been sincere in marrying him, has not yet been announced to have divorced her.
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15 May
It is possible, though I doubt it (it is the whole point of this postlet), that LBD is a recognized term of art in these tinsel teasers on sign-on pages. (Remember the one, a few issues back, that reported Lorraine Kelly tumbling from her horse, whereas a newspaper had reported the story at least a fortnight earlier - not so much breaking news as breaking new ground for peddling old tat!)
For those not initiated (right trouser leg rolled up, etc.), I shall not spell it out*, though I was probably helped - when appeared words appeared to be missing in the headline - by the image below, because that would spoil the Fun of Who Is In The Know, i.e. who is manipulated into using some stupid expression or contraction, but merely continue with my would-be contentious proposition:
Is this a WAG** in the making, or an MCD (to refer gratuitously, for the sake of cross-pollination, to Pork and beef on the same plate) - what some might call a defining moment, when that unhelpful term is contracted to its initials?
Although many acronyms (and some contractions) are no easier to say than the original text, are we heading for A Contracting Universe (ACU)?:
With LSL, she skipped down the catwalk in an LBD, courtesy of NBC, and, after a VAC, went home for a NLS
End-notes
* Though 'skimpy' is already part and parcel of the 'L' of LBD. More asutute readers may surmise, then, that it does not represent London Bomb Disposal, Lesotho Bisexual Dilettantes, or Liverpool Ballroom-Dancing.
** An amazing acronym, not only because the words 'and' merits a letter of its own (after all, it was WMD, not WOMD (which might have been mistaken for WOMB, I guess)), but also two categories of women in a relationship (with a man) are brusquely yanked together!
In fact, though celebrities are not, of course, unfaithful or promiscuous, X's WAG could also be (in the other capacity) Y's WAG - KK, for example, is shown dating other men when, as far as I am aware, the man whom she married, and who alleged just weeks after that she had not been sincere in marrying him, has not yet been announced to have divorced her.
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