More #Spoonerisms than you can stake a shit* at : A Festival of Groans

More #Spoonerisms than you can stake a shit at : A Festival of Groans

More views of - or before - Cambridge Film Festival 2019 (17 to 24 October)
(Click here to go directly to the Festival web-site)

9 November

That would've been a glitch in the ice-box... pic.twitter.com/NNPU8ChY9Y

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) August 20, 2022

More #Spoonerisms than you can stake a shit at : A Festival of Groans

A : D'you often find that, when you look in the fridge, you end up having to throw lots of things out ?

C : No, not at all - I usually faced almost no mood.

A : ? !#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) August 8, 2024

C : If we go to the aviary, perhaps there'll be a bumming heard... ?

A : Er, yes - maybe... Tell you what, in that case you go on your own, and you can tell me all about it !#Tiergarten#sSpoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) April 8, 2024

'Well, it has to be said, Jeeves, that your packed lunch perhaps lacked punch.'

'My apologies, sir. However, on reflection, you might recall that it rather better fitted Lady Caroline's tastes ?'#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) March 16, 2024

Yet a glass of jute-froose sounds so much more exotic !#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) February 24, 2024

Or, one never knows, it might be the Goth of Rod ? :)#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) December 31, 2023

C : (Over-excitedly.) Oh, look - mink puffins !

A : ? !

C : (Ditto.) They must be flavoured with raspberry - d'you want one ?

A : (Sotto voce.) Er...#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) June 28, 2023

Tim says that we're just bitter still because of BX if we call one of his pubs a lad boozer#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) May 12, 2022

'I wonder if she always walks past at this time of day, because she goes to tank the bakings... ?'#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) June 7, 2023

The Way We Were :

When in Scarborough, buy sand#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) June 22, 2023

I just saw a pair of doves, killing and booing.#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) August 18, 2022

'I don't usually like jokes about fish, but I do appreciate your whiting bit'#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) June 14, 2022

'It's all right - I'm only knowing my blows !'#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) November 9, 2020

C : Why, from time to time, does your car seem to execute dance-moves - but, frankly, in a very inferior way ?

A : Oh, it's been like that since I booked it in at the shoddy bop.#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) June 22, 2022

'To package that properly, what you really need is a piece of this rubble-bap !'#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) January 3, 2021

C : I must say that I'm dead envious of Tom and Chris, now that they've got dirt-bikes !

A : And, er, who's Burt, then ? Is he their new prisoner... ?

C : Um, sorry - what are you talking about ?#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) January 19, 2021

C : What do you like so much about old films ?

A : Oh, I always like to see Custer beaten.#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) June 9, 2023

I know that you were running a temperature, but - perhaps less than usefully (?) - I have been occupying my time since waking with this, peaky Crun :#Spoonerisms#HenryCrun https://t.co/GboOCaPmsP

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) June 3, 2023

A : *What* glade - it's almost unremittingly urban, if not machines, mechanization ! ?

C : Deleted scenes, re-written in his honour, where Neo's shown more stuff. Don't characters - several times - refer to Mitch in the glade tricks ?

A : I hate you.

2 / 2#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) October 26, 2021

'Best thing to read of Conrad's ? Well...

'OK. Start with Dart of Harkness - as it's mercifully short, and Everyone Thinks that one should've read it - and then move on to someone else's work !

'Maybe G., by John Berger, or Chesterton's The Man Who Was Thursday ?'#Spoonerisms pic.twitter.com/eHMqeKpaRG

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) September 14, 2022

'And this is where I sleep...'

'A four-poster ? But you're into metal, so this is really unexpected !'

'Well, you know - I've always enjoyed a little bed-hanging !'#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) August 18, 2023

'Do you want to call me on my gnome, Humber ?'#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) December 3, 2020

'Oh, you found out about that, too ?

'Yes, it's true that I turn my hand to many things to make a buck, and I do race tired, old horses, at a place that I call Track of All Jades.'#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) June 17, 2022

A : In the nicest of all possible ways, good sir, you are the ping of kiffle !

C : ? !#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) May 10, 2024

Those who don't believe in Nessie should knock less those who do !#Spoonerisms pic.twitter.com/SRLE5C4OIA

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) September 11, 2023

William Shakespeare weighed a mill, in which he famously gave Anne Hathaway his second-best bed#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) May 13, 2021

C : On Wednesday, I have A Beating with The Mercer.

A : ? ! ?#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) September 5, 2022

'Are those very undercooked eggs for you, Jacob ?'

'No, they're for the da - they have to be runny for old mope !'#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) May 15, 2023

C : (Friendly.) Hiya !

A : (In a - polite - hurry.) Sorry - I'd love to stop, but I dust mash : see you another time ! :)

C : (Wordlessly, but with a confused smile.) Er... ?#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) November 5, 2022

'Yes, of course I do like the combination of the chocolate and the ice-cream, but I don't need a nag, mum - if I wanted one, I'd have it'#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) July 8, 2023

'After this evening's victory, we can be sure that the team's spirits will be hiding rye !'#GrainWars#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) February 24, 2021

A : Hey, your hands look dry - are they OK ?

C : 'S'allright, just wash-day hands. I've just been sinsing my rocks.

A : Er, doing *what* to your rocks... ?#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) November 4, 2021

Would Roger Stein and The Hamsters really have written as many hit tunes / songs ?#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) August 4, 2022

Or, on the altar of preserving a lazy cheese-eating liar, a shudderless rip* :

Through others' health, livelihoods, well-being, rights, finances, job or other security, reputations...

Though not enough shudder from those being ripped, even at 1K deaths per day ? !#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) May 16, 2022

C : Are you throating a suck-sweet ?

A : No... Not, er, intentionally... ?#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) April 29, 2021

'Mum ! Do we have any of those cravery snackers left ?'#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) February 14, 2021

'And do you know what manner of apparition he beheld, whining shite ?'#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) February 4, 2021

'Yes, this is just one of my bed-taker shirts !'#Spoonerisms

— THE AGENT APSLEY #ScrapUniversalCredit #JC4PM2019 (@THEAGENTAPSLEY) November 14, 2020

End-notes :

* Which, obviously, does not quite work as a Spoonerism...



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Unless stated otherwise, all films reviewed were screened at Festival Central (Arts Picturehouse, Cambridge)

Knots in a whale

More views of - or before - Cambridge Film Festival 2012 (Click here to go directly to the Festival web-site) 24 June When Kelly Ann Parsons became Kelly Brook, maybe no one had my inclination to try making Spoonerisms of everything – Belly Crook? It could mean that she steals people’s stomachs, or, in the Australian sense, that a recent meal disagreed with her. (Either way, I wish that I could erase this thought and think of her name as I used to!) But names are funny things, and have what the phrase calls a life of their own. How else would an NHS Trust come up with a title for a policy (‘P’ for policy) that spelt out CRAP? You could say that they were at least honest about the worth of the contents… If you want to Tweet, Tweet away here