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18 March

Our reply to Jamie's Italian*

There's plenty on offer - for every taste, if not pocket - as these examples from our menu show:


Conduits

* Peek and lay Tutu soup *

* Danging well * - a 'bottomless bowl' of spiced water in which old fuse-plugs have been soaked for a minimum of 15 days

* Brock au lit terrine * (as Mr Badger didn't wake up in time)


Sewers

* Lack of RAM, served with micro-chips and some bloody jus or other *

* Ache and stale pi * - comes with its own motherboard

* Distressed tall-backed beech chair * - you can't eat it, but, if you lacked an appetite previously, you'll be keen to eat something after hearing its sob-story about Rennie Mackintosh (and we'll give you a 50% discount on that dish)

* Know-your-plaice fish pie - order this, and wait to see whether you get rebuffed in our most scornful way for ordering something from the depths on the wrong day


Drains

* Lock au chat * - depending on how you look at it, it's either a padlock designed by Pussy Galore, or a cat which, if you could only force it open, contains a refreshing assortment of sorbets

* Peeking pie * - just as you are about to dig your fork or spoon into it, it winks at you

* Death by chocolate * - the chef's own .45 dum dum slugs, with chocolate added to the tips, will soon be fired in your direction from a chocolate-tinted automatic by an ex-showgirl called Browning


NB Unless stated (or you request) otherwise, all dishes come with new potatoes and a refreshing sequence of freshly slaughtered vegetables (not to be eaten out of order, unless you are electing to pay your bill twice)


End-notes

* And the name's a give-away, since he not only doesn't sound Italian, but he also grew up in Essex with parents who ran a pub (in Clavering).


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